Thursday, December 18


...and, i'm done.

no, no, i'm not done with exams or studying. i wish. i've just been repeating the phrase "i'm done" over and over again to a lot of things in my life right now. let's face it, i am a bitch. what's worse is, i'm not a bitch to ppl i don't know. wait, let me correct that, i can be a bitch to ppl i don't know. other times, i just don't even bother acknowledging them. it's the eye-roll, a dismissive glance, and i move on. if i don't like you in the first minute, i probably won't like you at all.

however, that's not the bitch in me that i'm referring to. i'm bitchier in a much meaner way. i'm a bitch to my friends. that's right. how weird is that? i swear, i wasn't always like this. i've always had a twinge of it here and there, but it was never as rampant as it is now. don't get me wrong, i'm still fiercely loyal to my friends and would do almost anything for them (save lend large sums of money or kill someone), but i often find myself feeling tired or just overwhelmed when i talk to them. i'm constantly letting out exasperated sighs when i'm by myself.

for instance, Nellers and i have known each other since preschool, altho we didn't become friends until 4th grade. but after that, even when we were separated by different schools, we still stayed close. and that lasted through college. what i really think is that college wore me down. i would never admit this to OHenry, but sometimes i agree with him that going to Smith might've been a mistake. b/c a whole school of girls=a whole school of drama, backstabbing, complexes, etc. and i dealt with that for 4 years. however, just to prove how devoted i was back in the day to maintaining friendships: i was the best at phone calls to check in with ppl, no matter the distance; thoughtful gifts for momentous occassions (not to mention christmas and birthdays-and when i say thoughtful, i do mean thoughtful, every gift was a personal reflection of the person or something going on in their life); cheer packages just for the hell of it; at least 1 visit to wherever they were every year (aside from seeing each other when we were home for the holidays). over time, reality set in, and i started to change.
and the Ahjumma incident happened (TWICE-i blame her a lot for this. for the most part, my dating relationships have never scarred me-sans Gohm, and even that wasn't actually traumatizing, more like a learning experience-but what did traumatize me is Ahjumma, who was a friend. truly they're the ppl that hurt you the most). by the time college was over, aside from my family (which has grown quite large), the holidays and birthdays were the only time i bought gifts for friends, and that list only included OHenry, Nellers, and Debs.

2 yrs after college, OHenry was whittled down to only holiday gifts. and by the time law school started, that practice was long gone. and this year is the 1st year i haven't visited him in Cali. and now we pretty much never talk on the phone. i found out he was in NJ over Thanksgiving from Debs (who saw it on Facebook) because he sure as hell didn't tell me. ::sniffle, sniffle:: and now the process is starting w/Nellers too. i prob haven't talked to her since the summer, and even that encounter had been brief. and she's been whittled from the birthday gift list too. and with the holidays coming up, i'm debating whether to purchase a holiday gift for her. she recently called me out on this phenomenon (albeit on Facebook, which kind of irked me). and my immediate response was, "really? do we have to be this dramatic?" i was struck with a sudden wave of tiredness and a desire to avoid drama.

and it felt normal. Nellers is in med school in D.C., i'm in law school in Brooklyn. obviously both our schedules are tiring, we're travelling in circles unknown to each other, have no money to visit each other, and have no daily interaction to bring our worlds together right now. these are often the ingredients for creating a more distant friendship. and this is exactly what i told her. but i can't help but have that voice in the back of head, telling me, "really? after over 16 years of friendship, this is how you feel?"

and i really don't know how to answer her.

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